Michael Caputo

Chameleon Michael Caputo

Chameleon: A Memoir - is a collection of my intimate stories and encounters growing up in a homophobic society. I wasn't your stereotypical Brooklyn boy who loved watching sports on television or enjoyed playing touch football in the streets. Also, I was raised Catholic and attended three different parochial schools in the sixties and seventies. All that made it difficult to come into my own identity and purpose. It was almost impossible to even think gay.

Although I lived a straight life in my teens and had a girlfriend with whom I was in love, I was still bullied and bombarded with gay slurs. The constant struggle of trying to fit in left me feeling anxious and depressed for most of my adolescent years. Instinctively, I lived my life like a chameleon to survive and protect myself.

I learned how to play the game once I entered my twenties, but I still had one foot in the closet unless I was out dancing in the gay clubs in Manhattan. In retrospect, I now realize what was happening was much more profound. I not only struggled to find my identity at times, but I was also afraid that if I revealed who I was, then I wouldn't be accepted. My biggest fear was not being loved by my mother and family anymore.

I held onto my secret for years and, at times, felt imprisoned. I learned about the downlow lifestyle from all those straight guys I hooked up with in Brooklyn. I figured that could be another option for me, and maybe I could have the best of both worlds, too. But deep inside, I knew I couldn't pull that off. I never lost my desire to have sex with men on the DL but refused to live a double life and use a woman as a beard.

Once I let go of all that guilt I grew up with and embraced my true self instead of hiding it, I started to live and enjoy my life. This is my journey from being an ashamed and insecure teenager to becoming a proud gay man with a voice that won't be silenced.