There Will Be Blog: a Collection of Comedic Essays

Do you keep a plastic robot in your parents' basement to teach you a lesson about fatherhood? Is it possible that the secret catalyst of Hitler's rise to power was an embittered puppet? Are grade school pizza parties the real reason my friends and I drink too much beer? Aren't the correlations between playing Mariokart: 64 and sadomasochism striking? If time travel were possible, wouldn't you use it to restrain a certain fan of the Chicago Cubs with busy hands? Isn't it obvious that David Bowie's fear of flying led to his recording of "Space Oddity"? Wouldn't you agree that Lifetime original movies perpetuate the repulsive idea that men should always tuck in their shirts? Have you ever thought about what happens when one conjoined twin earns entry into heaven while the other is banished to hell? Has it ever occurred to you that the resurrection of Jesus Christ might have been part of an elaborate April Fool's Day prank?

No? On all accounts? Damn. I really thought I was on the brink of making a sale.