What I wish I had known

"What I wish I had known"

We're living the good life. What went wrong? When, and why? I'll keep searching for the answers, striving to help others, avoid the same gut-wrenching tragedy.

Michael, my son and overachiever, was a scholar and an outstanding athlete, drawn to the military early on. Despite his sturdy outer-shell, Michael was gentle. His senior year, he'd coax me into signing parental consent to enlist; at seventeen. I recall crying! Michael chuckled, not mocking me, making light of his choice... Thanks, mom, don't worry about me. I'm not going to war. I'm not going to die. I'm just going into the Marine Corps.

My terrible premonition evolved on September 11, 2001. Michael's training just ended for Air Crew-Chief. He was assigned to the massive CH-53 Super Stallion Transporting-Helicopter.

What I wish I had known... was that a helicopter crashed in Western Iraq and Michael (the air crew chief) wrote the ill-fated flight schedule, killing thirty-one men. He swapped out a more experienced crew member for a rookie.

This story exams the psychological injuries my son sustained during his military service-the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) signs he was in severe distress. Veterans (like Michael) pride themselves in strength. Traumatic events can undermine their power-the ability to avoid dealing with emotions in the face of danger. Once emotions are buried, some veterans and first responders continue internalizing mental anguish instead of reaching out for help.

Shockwaves spread-wide Michael's in his prime, survived war, earned a master's degree and in love, engaged. I'm stunned, why? Twenty-two veterans die by suicide daily, it's a long-lasting statistic.

Twenty-two but not you-not my Michael! I'd bet my life and savings on that!

Mental fog set in, this time I reached out to Michael's trusted friends (Korah Hoffman LMSW/MPA) and Erik Fries USMC Air Crew Chief/Brother in arms. Erik exposed me to the harsh reality of war. Korah shared her personal and professional struggle with Michael's silent battle.

If death wasn't devastating enough, I'd breakdown at Mass, when our Catholic priest uttered "Suicides are damned to hell"" his words echoed from the pulpit! Tormented, I'll seek a medium.

Naturally, I wanted to check in on my son. What I experienced was a life-changing revelation.